the fear of the Lord

On sunday, Jay talked to us about the fear of the Lord for our sermon. When I went through my time of not walking with God, I wouldn't pray for anyone, I wouldn't take communion, I would not even touch other peoples children, for fear of something happening because I did not have a clean heart. That was just my way of thinking. I feel we need to be clean before God before we minister to others in ANY way. I remember one year going down south to my girlfriends house. I knew I was not right with God and I started to begin to think of the airplane flight. I actually stayed at my house more during this time for fear of being in an car accident and me not having my heart right. And now, I was going to be in the air, and I knew I was not under Gods covering and protection anymore. I started to have anxiety attacks, and actually went on medicine to help control it. One thing I found out though, you can not control the mental turmoil that you go through when you are not living for God. The day of my flight came and I sat beside this man on the plane. I gathered that he could tell I was nervous. He asked me where I was from, where I was going, how many children did I have and carried on a conversation probably to make me feel more at ease about flying. I have never had a fear of flying before, but I was always ok in my relationship with God. The next question he asked me was... "are you a christian?' The gull of him, asking me if I was right with God, when at this very moment my body ached with pain from clenching my fists on the arms of my seat, because I KNEW I wasn't in right standing with my God. He talked for quite awhile and then proceeded to tell me that he was a baptist preacher. Just my luck I thought, those baptist preachers are EVERYWHERE you know? I should have known, he had a bible, and a bag full of food. Honestly my mind kept erupting with thoughts like this. At first I thought of asking the stewardess if I could change seats because the plane was not full, but then I didn't want this man to think I was rude. I mean, he DID try to make me feel more comfortable with flying, but he DIDN'T know how much more I needed something to calm down my anxiety. I felt trapped... it wasn't like I could climb out the window or anything, and besides that, I thought if the plane did crash, God would surely preserve the section that this preacher was sitting in, so I decided to stay close to him. You would be surprised how your mind works when you know you are not living right.....He continued talking for hours, quoting this scripture and that scripture and I thought we would NEVER get to atlanta..... he asked me about my life and I pretended that everything was ok. I wonder if he had any idea, I mean, he probably did because I think to this day that God planted him there because God knew He had me right where He wanted me....(a place where there was no escape). I never knew what Phillipians 4:7 meant till that trip. ( And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.) I had no peace. I had no assurance of Gods protection. I DID know that He loved me, but I wanted my peace back.
It was awhile after that before I recommitted my life to Christ. I had a deep hole in my heart for the hurt that I caused Him, and my family. I was sad that I had dissapointed Him. Praise God, someone who was a total stranger had the courage to talk with me about Christ. I think he might have sensed that I was not living for God. I knew the answers to most of the questions that he asked me, but I didn't have Gods presence upon me and anyone who knew about Gods presence could tell. Fear is a horrible thing to live with. I not only had the fear of God because I wasn't living right, I had the fear of the enemy for not being under Gods protection. We can never out run Him you know, we can never hide, but there is nothing we can do that will make Him stop loving us and searching us out. Amen!
The fear of the LORD is a fountain of life, turning a man from the snares of death. proverbs 14:27

I have many stories to tell during that period of time in my life. I know a lot of people thought I didn't have God on my mind at all then, but I wrestled with Him for many years because of disobedience. I would see scripture signs that would be along the road, or people like the man on the plane,or the friends and family in my life praying for me. It was a very hard time being still, because when I was still, I could hear Gods voice loud and clear. All of the scripture that I had in my heart through years past, kept surfacing. I counldn't turn it off. So you see, if you are faithful to read and study His word, the Holy Spirit will bring it to mind when you need it the most. The reason I am putting all of these poems, and writings on here is to store them and eventually write a book called, "The stirrings of my heart" So please give feedback either good or bad so it would be a book that would minister to all and help guide them to Christ, the One that gives that peace that passes ALL understanding.